


Flying Blind

by Varmint



Category: Naruto
Genre: Action/Adventure, Age Regression/De-Aging, Angst, Coming of Age, Corruption of Young Minds, Crazy, Fluff, Gen, Genin Teams, Hidan Being Himself, Hidan's mouth, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Kidnapping, Mind Manipulation, Misadventures, Naruto is Just Naruto, Out of Character, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-08-11 15:06:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7897384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Varmint/pseuds/Varmint
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Akatsuki managed to de-age the Konoha 12, including the Sand Siblings and a couple jonin that weren't part of the plan, and separate them into teams. Now they are being trained by the members of the evil organization itself. </p><p>Just how much craziness can a bunch of recently graduated students unleash on the organization? Let's just say a lot.</p><p>Hidan hates his kids as much as he hated Kakuzu. Itachi is... Well... Itachi about the whole situation. Sasori has no problem with his own. Kakuzu has to actively remind himself to not strangle them. Kisame finds himself with frequent headaches. And Deidara tries to show them the beauty of explosions and ends up creating little pyromaniacs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Drag Queen! Give me back my prayer beads!"

"Fuck no, you stupid son of a bitch! Tell me where the fuck we are and maybe I'll allow you to continue your fucking retarded cries to a non-existent god!"

Hidan could feel his eyebrow twitch as he glared at the twelve year old Inuzuka that snarled back at him, all the while one of the other two brats he had been saddled with passively stared on at the sight and the other ran circles around the room, screaming about youth power or some shit like that.

"I swear to Jashin, you fucking excuse of a human being, if you don't give it back, I will shove your head so far up your ass-"

"Hidan. Control yourself."

The silver haired immortal turned with a snarl to the condescending tone used by Sasori, the smug motherfucker that had been given some of the least annoying pre-teens to be handed out. The purple haired girl was much too quiet to speak out against anything, the pink haired one had seemed too awestruck to do anything, and the heavy set boy didn't _care_ as long as they kept him fed. The unfeeling bastard had gotten the best draw!

But Hidan? Oh, Hidan had been unlucky enough to not only land the youngest Uchiha brat, but also the makeup wearing, drag queen looking, puppeteer that had a mouth as foul as his own, and a kid wearing a green clad monstrosity that had yet to stop ranting to himself about the power of youth.

"Shut up, you wooden-" And his insult would have been long and great if not for one of Itachi's little mongrels bounding up to Sasori and taking his attention away.

"You smell like sand paper, wood, and shavings. That's an odd smell." The kid with the retarded looking upside down triangles on his head told the puppet master, only to have the girl with the pale eyes look at him intently.

Her pale eyes looked the boy over for a few seconds as Sasori merely ignored the boy, then she mustered up enough courage to ask, "E-excuse m-me... B-but... D-do I-I kn-know you?"

Hidan was pleased to find Sasori's face drawn in with annoyance, but that small victory was short lived with the kid with ugly-as-all-hell green jumpsuit poked at his arm.

"Excuse me, Hidan Sensei. But why are we here? Why are we not enjoying this time to train and strengthen our bodies?" His (also) ugly-as-all-hell bowl shaped hair bounced from one direction to another as he animatedly spoke, which made Hidan growl viciously and turn to him with all intentions of sacrificing his very virgin ass to his Lord Jashin.

He raised one hand to go ahead and get started on the ritual, but it was intercepted by a pale appendage smacking it away. And Hidan turned to who had smacked him with a heavy scowl, prepared to start yelling up and down that their leader must have been the most retarded piece of shit on the planet (because there was really no way any human being could be _this fucking stupid_ ), only to face the steely faced kunoichi of the Akatsuki, Konan.

"You know you cannot kill the genin, Hidan." She spoke calmly, face as inexpressive as ever.

"There is no fucking way you expect me to not murder one of these sons of bitches before your stupid as all hell plan finishes." Hidan growled at the woman, who didn't react at his growled words.

She merely stared at him for a few seconds before nodding, "We took your anger into consideration. Which is why I shall be accompanying you while with your charges. The last thing we need is for you to mess everything up because you weren't able to control your anger."

At hearing these words, Hidan's already foul mood worsened and he was just about ready to beg his lord to strike him down and allow him to go up to his arms instead of having to remain alive and having to deal with this stupidity.

**~xXx~**

"Inuzuka. Come back here."

At having heard his name, the young boy looked away from the pale girl that had asked if he knew her and at the black haired man he had been told was his jonin instructor.

The man had long black haired tied back in a ponytail, pale skin, and blood red eyes. He wore the same black and red cloak the other jonins around here did and his forehead protector had a gash that ran across his village's symbol.

Kiba wondered just what that could mean, but had not been able to ask anything yet. They had been assigned their jonin instructors depending on their villages- at least that's what he and Akamaru had been able to deduce after seeing which kids went with which jonins- and then made to stand around, waiting for something. They weren't supposed to interact with each other, but he had been real curious about that one man's scent. He didn't smell _human._

"Sorry..." Kiba mumbled softly as he returned to where the man stood stoically with an unreadable look on his face, the other two people that were supposed to be his teammates behind him.

The first kid was no taller than Kiba, and didn't seem much older either. He had bright red hair, emerald green eyes with no pupils, what seemed like dark eyeliner surrounding each eye, a large gourd on his back, and an odd tattoo on his forehead. His arms were crossed over his chest and his legs planted firm, giving him an air of confidence. But he wasn't glaring at anyone, like that one kid Kiba had seen with black hair that looked like a duck's but, so he didn't think there was anything too wrong with him.

Then the other boy was _big_. Tall for his age, he had already formed a rather interesting mass of muscle, even though he was no more than fourteen. He didn't have a mean face, _per say_ , but he was frowning and didn't seem to be the kind to enjoy a good prank like Kiba. He also had a blue bandanna covering his head, although no village plate could be seen.

From their ability to look at everyone around them with nothing but disinterest, Kiba knew he would be in for a team full of _boredom_.

Why couldn't he have gotten stuck with the silver haired weirdo that seemed to enjoy to curse? At least _his_ students seemed to be enjoying themselves!

**~xXx~**

When he had first been told that he would have to take in a group of genin, Sasori had been more inconvenienced than angered. He would not be able to keep his armor of Hiruko around him because their leader insisted he would have to form an actual bond with the children entrusted to him. But at least he would not have to spend any more time with the idiot named Deidara.

And when he had first met his charges and compared them to the rest, he had been smugly delighted to find that these kids weren't the worst around. Especially if put beside the loud mouthed jinchuriki given to Kisame, the clearly too curious dog boy paired with Itachi, or the make-up wearing puppeteer that Hidan had been forced to take.

"You shall not leave my sight." He commanded of the three standing around him after Itachi had reigned back his charge, which made them all nod with wide eyes. "When given the order, we shall move. And you shall not argue with my command."

Once more, all three nodded without any complaint.

Internally, Sasori was proud to know that he wouldn't have to use any excess energy to try and get them to follow him.

... Now... If he could only get the fat kid to stop eating so loudly.

**~xXx~**

Kakuzu decided that his team didn't seem to be wholly annoying early on.

He had a kid with hair pulled up into a pineapple shape, another one with long black hair and pale, pupil-less eyes that frowned at everything, and a boy with medium length brown hair with an oral fixation on senbons.

At first glance they seemed like a calm and composed group that would give no trouble. And that was a godsend when he compared it to the other kids he could see the other members of his association dealing with.

He took a sick type of pleasure in seeing Hidan flounder around with the kid with the make up. Now he would get a taste of having to deal with someone like _him_ on a daily basis.

Yet there were other teams that didn't seem all that bad. Sasori's was quiet and huddled around the pink haired man with nothing but respect. And Itachi's seemed to be similar, if not for the one stray that was reared back quickly.

Deidara, though, seemed to be eager to leave the meeting. Why he wanted that, Kakuzu wasn't sure. But he knew that it would undoubtedly involve many 'works of art' before the night was done.

All in all, he could have been stuck with someone _worse_.

At least he didn't have the Jinchuriki to worry about.

**~xXx~**

He had never been good with kids. Heck, he was sure _none of them_ had ever been good with kids. So, really, Kisame couldn't truly understand just why their leaders had decided on such a complicated and almost convoluted plan.

And to make matters worse, he had two blonde spitfires and one rather annoyed kunoichi on his little genin squad.

The one called Tenten proved to be the least annoying of the three for she kept her quiet as she stood to Kisame's right as they waited for their leader to allow them to leave. But the Temari girl? She seemed to have been a terrible match for Naruto because not even one minute into knowing each other and they were already trying to rip the other's head off.

"Shut up! You're a girl! No girl can defeat me!"

"If you haven't noticed, you're on a squad with _two girls_!"

"Yeah, but our sensei's a _man_! And why do you think there aren't any female teachers around? Because they're not as good as the men!"

"Oh yeah? Why don't we fight, pip squeak? You versus me! One on one! Let's see what you'll be saying about girls after I've kicked your ass!"

Forget his past thoughts... He didn't care about being good with kids... Kisame had just figured out he hated them.

**~xXx~**

"And you see, kids, art is an explosion!" Deidara finished his grandiose speech about art with a large smile, all the while the two kunoichi in his team stared at him with large eyes.

The blonde with blue eyes seemed more shocked than awed, but the purple haired one... Oh, Deidara could see that he and her would create much beauty together!

Unlike his fellow genin, the only boy on the team showed no emotions on his face whatsoever. Mostly because half of his face was covered by an overly large jacket collar, a quarter by glasses, which left only a quarter of his face exposed... And the quarter that was not covered was not really the part of the face that showed emotions.

Deidara would have to work on that later on... He wanted to see the boy's amazement with every work of art they created.

Quite frankly, out of all the members of the Akatsuki, he seemed to be the only one eager to teach this bratty group of genin in the ways of criminals and to raise them so they would no longer be threats to their plans, but instead to their own homes.

... Eh... Maybe it was because he seemed to have good kids on his team.

He was just happy he hadn't been stuck with the Uchiha brat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the first chapter! Just in case there is any confusion, the teams are as follows:  
> Hidan and Konan(the only group made up of more than one Akatsuki member because Hidan is likely to kill his kids)- Kankuro, Rock Lee, and Sasuke Uchiha  
> Itachi- Kiba Inuzuka, Ibiki Morino, and Gaara  
> Sasori- Sakura Haruno, Hinata Hyuga, and Chouji Akimichi  
> Kakuzu- Shikamaru Nara, Neji Hyuga, and Genma Shiranui  
> Kisame- Naruto Uzumaki, Temari, and Tenten  
> Deidara- Ino Yamanaka, Shino Aburame, and Anko Mitarashi


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary of the chapter: Hidan kind of misses Kakuzu. Itachi believes his own genin team won't be too completely incompetent if urged in the right direction. Sasori wonders what the hell is wrong with his kids. Kakuzu begins to wonder if he may have hoped too soon. Tenten proved herself in Kisame's eyes. And Deidara is overly optimistic over the whole matter.

**~xXx~**

When Pein finally told them they were allowed to leave their hideout with their newest missions, Hidan could not have run off any faster... No, wait a minute. He _could_ have run off in speeds that would make any runner proud, _if_ he had not found himself weighed back by a completely insufferable make up wearing dolt, overly energetic green wearing idiot, and the apathetic Uchiha. But because he was caught with not only those three bastards, but also with the cooly detached Konan, Hidan was not allowed to run away in the manner he wished to.

The scroll with their mission had been given to Konan, anyway, so, even though he really wanted to leave her behind and just sacrifice all the little brats as soon as possible, he knew he wouldn't get too far. Unfortunately for him, he now needed the paper using bitch...

He kind of missed Kakuzu...

**~xXx~**

Itachi looked over his three students, analyzing their distinct personalities and what he would undoubtedly have to work on.

The Inuzuka was much too curious for his own good. This would have to be fixed immediately if the Akatsuki's plans were to remain secret.

The Sand nin was detached and emotionless. Itachi would have to foster camaraderie and friendship in him if he would like to have a chance of making this squad work.

And the last boy, one of the jonin from Konoha, was socially awkward. Something that would inhibit interaction with his teammates.

Now, Itachi knew that most would take his silence and stern frown as signs of him being a strong boy with enough self-confidence to not doubt his skills. But Itachi looked deeper and found all signs for a boy that lacked self-confidence. Fidgeting eyes, consistently picking at his fingers or arm hairs, and shuffling from one foot to another all allowed him to piece together who the boy truly was.

If Pein really wanted to go through with this deranged plan, then Itachi would have to work on all those flaws. It would take some time to do so, though. And he wasn't sure if they even had enough time for this.

But, even with these flaws, Itachi was able to see things that prove wholly beneficial for the small team.

The Inuzuka was just that. An Inuzuka. Part of a clan that held loyalty and honor above all else. If Itachi was able to direct that loyalty to the team, then Kiba would prove to be one of the best weapons against the Hidden Leaf Village.

The Sand nin was a powerhouse. His little gift, paired with his maturity, patience, and skill level, spoke of rather simple missions as long as he kept a level head.

And the last boy had an IQ that would rival that of a Nara's. Choosing on a strategy and preparing was only half the fight, but with the loyalty from the Inuzuka and the strength from the Sand nin, then there was no doubt in Itachi's mind that he'd able to mold them into a fully functional team.

With these thoughts clear in his mind, Itachi took the mission scroll from Pein without even a glance at his leader.

"Follow me." He told the kids he was now to work with, leaving no room for any discussion as he walked off to the entrance of the organization's hideout.

They followed without any complaint.

**~xXx~**

"You. Get the scroll." Sasori told the purple haired girl with barely a glance her way, which made her immediately clam up, clasp her hands together, and begin to shake like a leaf.

Quirking an eyebrow at the odd reaction, the puppet master chose to ignore her and instead faced the pink haired one. "Get it."

This one, instead of beginning to shake like a coward, looked at Sasori with wide eyes that spoke of volumes of indecision and fear.

Looking from one girl to the other, Sasori numbly noted that these two would cause him much grief.

Luckily for him, the fat kid didn't seem to care about much and went to get the scroll without barely a scoff of annoyance. The only drawback of this, though, was that the scroll was covered in the orange dust that covered the kid's favorite treat.

**~xXx~**

Three teams had already left. Now it was their turn to get the scroll.

Kakuzu glanced down at each member of his team before strolling up to Pein and picking up the scroll that held their assignment. The man eyed Kakuzu calmly and merely nodded as he handed the scroll over, then looked away to his team. In the way his face and eyes shifted, Kakuzu could see that Pein was sizing the genin up.

Truth be told, he didn't care at all for this mission. But this was yet another assignment that would- luckily- end with more money in the Akatsuki's pockets, so he would put up with it for a while.

When he returned to the group of three set under his charge, the man glared at them. The one with the pineapple shaped ponytail was dozing off against against a wall, the one with the perpetual frown on his face leaned against the very wall with his arms crossed and discontent clear on his face, and the senbon enthusiast was sprawled on the floor, limbs in every which way as he snored.

"Get up. We're leaving." Kakuzu growled at the three, immediately capturing the serious one's attention, even though the other two barely even flinched. "Did you not hear me?" He asked with a glare at the one with the ponytail, only to have him crack one eye open, look him up and down, then close that very eye once more.

"Five more minutes." He simply grouched, and Kakuzu's annoyance began to rise.

Maybe this wouldn't be as easy as he had first thought... But he knew he could break these kids. He was sure of it.

**~xXx~**

"Hey, Naruto, want to prove how useful you are?"

Kisame quirked an eyebrow at the girl with the two buns on top of her head as she interrupted the insult spewing contest between both heated blondes, questioning just what she could be thinking of doing.

Naruto, though, only nodded determinedly at the girl, who smiled broadly and pointed at the man that was handing out scrolls in the middle of the room. "Go and get our scroll, Naruto! That'll surely put you ahead of Temari!"

"What?!" Temari questioned as soon as the other girl finished speaking, but Naruto had already run off to pick up the mission's scroll.

Did he even _know_ what those scrolls were for, Kisame asked himself... But shook his head and hefted Samehada over his shoulder. It didn't matter. As long as he was finally allowed a moment of peace and quiet, he didn't care if dark haired girl tied both teammates up and tortured them slowly. If she was quiet about, she could do whatever she wanted to do to the others.

When Naruto reached the Akatsuki's leader, the man looked at Kisame with a quirked eyebrow, but the shark nin merely glared back at him and allowed the other man to know how truly annoyed he was with the situation. Immediately taking the scowl as the sign of anger that it was, Pein merely handed Naruto his team's scroll and turned in the direction of the last team without saying a single thing.

Naruto came bounding back with the scroll in hand and a too large smile on his face and Kisame was more than sure that if he didn't get a move on, the blonde girl would take violent action against her fellow blonde.

So he walked off with Samehada strapped onto his back, the blonde girl's large fan over one shoulder- seeing how Kisame believed it would be dangerous to leave it in the hands of the girl because he did _not_ want to have a fight break out between the idiots-. As he walked, he didn't even tell his team to follow him, because he knew very well that the black haired girl would follow without any complication, and the other two blondes would chase after them in no time.

**~xXx~**

They were the last team to receive their assignment. And Deidara was just about bursting with excitement.

Grabbing the scroll from the red headed leader of Akatsuki without even a glance at the man, the blonde grabbed the bug boy's shoulder and thrust the piece of parchment into the kid's hand.

"You shall be the investigator of the team!" The man declared with a broad smile, then looked at the two girls that were to become the main destructive forces on the team, "Let's get going!"

With this he pushed them all out of the organization's hideout, more than excited with all of the artistic possibilities running through his brain, and smiled at the bright blue sky that met him and his team.

"The art we make shall be beautiful!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Missions have been handed out. Hidan really fucking hates his brats. Itachi believes there is an actual future to be found with his own. Sasori believes the fat kid is secretly a genius. Kakuzu is now sure he has the worst team possible and finds that he isn't completely bothered by being called a slave driver. Kisame's headache is ever growing. And Deidara believes he has broken the ice.

**~xXx~**

The mission they were assigned was rather simple.

Capture and interrogate a ninja from the Hidden Sand Village to gather information on something or another that their leader wanted to know about... Quite frankly, Hidan couldn't give a shit.

But the bitch Konan kept giving him that death glare that promised much squealing to the wannabe god himself, so Hidan decided that he'd just keep his mouth shut for the time being.

And while they trekked through the forest in the direction of the Land of Wind, Hidan couldn't help but wonder just how in the world the kid with the ugly everything could walk for so long in handstand position without even breaking a sweat. Eh, at least he was whispering to himself about the power of youth or whatever and not yelling it out like before.

The Uchiha Brat (because Hidan refused to call him by his actual name, even in his thoughts) was following with his arms crossed and a very emo frown on his face. That frown made Hidan very, _extremely_ happy because it let him know that he wasn't the only one suffering with this whole thing.

And, finally, the drag queen was lagging behind the group of people with his arms crossed and an annoyed scowl. Hidan guessed that this was because the three scrolls on his back must have weighed on him and this thought also made him happy. Let the kid suffer with the weight. As long as any of them were sad or distraught, Hidan was content.

**~xXx~**

Before beginning the mission they had been given, Itachi decided to have his team introduce themselves to one another to begin to build camaraderie between them. So now they sat in a forest clearing a few yards away from the town they were to go to, a fire in the middle of them, crackling softly in the silence.

The Inuzuka boy was fidgeting on his log with his white pup resting comfortably on his head. Even though the boy clearly wanted to do something, he was trying to behave himself before his 'jonin instructor'. Besides, the dog seemed to be comfortable enough just sleeping and Itachi doubted the kid wanted to wake the pup up. To his left, both the Sand Nin and the other Konoha shinobi were both seated quietly, not showing many emotions on their faces.

Looking over the three, Itachi closed his eyes and breathed in. Then he opened them and began to speak.

"I am Itachi. I enjoy peace and quiet and do not like having my peace disturbed. My current goals are to mold you into the capable shinobi I know you can be." He began with the standard introduction used by Leaf Jonin when it came to meeting their students for the first time. "Inuzuka, your turn."

The boy jumped as soon as he heard his name, then he smiled broadly and nodded at Itachi. "Sure thing!" Then he jumped up from his seat and jabbed his thumb at himself, canines glinting because of the fire's light. "I'm Kiba Inuzuka and this boy right here is Akamaru!" The pup barked from his spot up on the boy's head, then yawned and settled back down. "We like chasing after the evil cats that steal our lunch, eating meat, and fighting! We _don't_ like those evil cats and my mom forcing us to get a bath! Our goal is to become the greatest hunter and tracker the land has ever seen!"

At the end, he jumped up with his fist pumped into the air, smile so wide it seemed as if it were about to split his face in half. Itachi merely looked at him with barely any emotions on his face, all the while thinking to himself about how difficult it would be to separate the boy from the dog. His introduction had been all 'we' and 'our'. This meant that the boy was almost completely enmeshed with the dog... Which could be dangerous if not treated in the correct way.

"Gaara." He stated simply to get the boy to begin, even as he thought to himself that he would always have to count Akamaru as part of the squad if he did not wish to face any problems with the Inuzuka.

"My name is Gaara..." The boy began slowly, eyes shifting from Itachi's cool face to Kiba's broad smile, "And I like... I'm not sure what I like..." Kiba's smile faltered slightly at this, but he tried to keep up his bouncing mood to encourage his teammate's. "I don't like being lied to... Or being controlled... And my goals for the future are to try and silence the voice in my head."

A moment of tense silence passed between the group as Gaara's words made their way into being processed, then Itachi looked at the genin's reaction. Ibiki's eyes had widened marginally in shock, but he had managed to remain in control of himself. But Kiba was the exact opposite. His body was tense, his eyes wide, his mouth agape, and even Akamaru was awake and staring at the red head.

Before the Inuzuka could say anything that might set Gaara off, Itachi then turned to Ibiki and nodded at him.

The boy complied without having to be told anything.

"I am Ibiki Morino. I enjoy honesty and loyalty, along with a good day of training. I do not like people that don't follow orders and..." He stopped himself for a minute, as if he were thinking about what he was going to say, then continued in a soft, barely perceptible whisper, "Scars." But soon he was looking up at Itachi with a determined scowl on his face and his words were confident once more, "My goal is to be one of the greatest and most loved jonin of my village."

 _Scars_. Itachi would have to remember that for later. It might prove to be useful later on.

"Now that introductions are out of the way, Kiba, Akamaru, find and bring back firewood." He commanded, pointing in the direction of the forest as he did so. Then he turned to Ibiki and Gaara, "You two, start setting up the tents for the three of you. I will read the scroll over and begin to make our supper. Then, once you have all finished with your tasks, I shall relay the information about the mission."

In just one heartbeat, the three boys went from staring at Itachi to nodding in synchronization, then they were moving to do their tasks. Itachi felt both amused and relieved by them following orders so easily. This proved that, even though he had not been given Sasuke as he had wished, his team would not give him too much problem.

With this in mind, the man unrolled the scroll given to him by the leader of the Akatsuki and began to read.

**~xXx~**

Traveling with the always eating genin was starting to get on Sasori's nerves.

The pink haired girl enjoyed spouting off random facts about some medicinal herbs the purple haired kunoichi asked about, but Sasori did not mind this too much. They weren't overly slow, stayed always on educational topics, and kept their voices hushed enough to let him know they did not mean to annoy him.

But the fat kid... The fat kid was _always_ eating.

Sasori had no idea where kept producing the different bags of food from, but he was starting to think that the boy had created some type of jutsu that allowed him unlimited bags of food.

If he had... It'd be for the good of the team that he told Sasori. Because it could most probably be used to store more than just food.

Yeah, he'd ask the fat kid about it later on.

**~xXx~**

"Move. Faster."

"You've been driving us like slaves! Let us sleep for a little while..."

"Yeah... Why do we even have to do anything? Cloud watching is so much better... We shouldn't have to do anything as troublesome as running..."

Kakuzu turned his angered eyes on the last genin on his team, only to see him frown back and grunt. Well... Apparently one of them wasn't completely lazy. But the two that had the horrible habit of laziness were so vocal and adamant about not moving that their team had not managed to move even one yard away from the Akatsuki's base before they were throwing themselves at the floor to sleep.

"We have a bounty to collect." Kakuzu growled threateningly at the two boys, only to have the senbon enthusiast wave his words off.

"Bounty shmounty... There are a lot of those... Let's rest for a while. Then we can go get the head of your enemies or whatever."

This one was up on a branch of a tree, resting with his arms cushioning his head and his legs resting on either side of the branch. At least this one had proved to be a bit less lazy... The one with the pineapple shaped ponytail hadn't even tried to climb a tree. He had just thrown himself back to the floor and closed his eyes.

"It is getting late."

Seriously? The first time the intense kid speaks and it's to undermine Kakuzu's authority?

Right now... Kakuzu found himself truly wishing to murder all three kids. But he stopped himself for he remember the clear threat Pein had given him. 'Each heads costs 150,000 ryo. Kill them and pay. As simple as that.'

... Kakuzu had never been one to waste money carelessly.

**~xXx~**

"Let's keep going!"

"I bet I can get there before you do, you whisker faced retard!"

"Oh yeah? Well I bet I can get there in just two days!"

"I can get there in one!"

"I can get there in twenty hours!"

"I can get there in ten!"

"I can get there in one!"

"Shut up already!" Tenten finally screamed out in frustration as both blondes faced one another with pissed off glares, all the while Kisame lagged behind the group of three, the pain in his head only seeming to grow as all three then began to argue.

Why did he have to get stuck with the three loud mouths?

**~xXx~**

"And this is how I make my art!" Deidara finished as he revealed the beautiful bird he had just created to his genin, smiling broadly at them.

The purple haired girl, Anko, gasped in surprise and awe as she looked on at the creation, all the while Ino kept her awe a bit more composed with only widened eyes. Shino didn't show any emotions (as always) but Deidara believed he too was amazed by Deidara's amazing skill.

"And that explodes, Deidara Sensei?" Anko asked, only to smile wickedly when Deidara nodded at her. "Can you show us?"

"I don't know, Anko... Would you two like to see it as well? Ino? Shino?" Deidara turned to the other two genin as he spoke their names.

Ino faltered for a moment as Deidara looked at her, but she soon nodded, even though she wasn't smiling. And after a beat or two of nothing, Shino relented and give a small, curt nod.

And even though these two still didn't show much affinity for his type of art, Deidara knew it was only a matter of time before they too wanted to create such beauty. So, with a large smile, the man released the bird, waited until it was far enough away so that the blast wouldn't harm any of them, then detonated it.

The awed and amazed sounds that came from both Ino and Anko were completely what he had wanted to hear.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hidan is a horrible teacher... But that Drag Queen doesn't seem as retarded anymore. Itachi is sure that he has one of the most solid teams around. Sasori begins to feel and hates it. If Kakuzu murders his kids, it's Pein's fault... Especially that pesky pupil-less one. Kisame had never been very good at science. And Deidara continues being the only one happy with his team.

**~xXx~**

Quite frankly, if it weren't for Konan, Hidan would have sacrificed the three little shits under his care twenty times over without ever becoming satisfied. No death would be painful and horrible enough to punish these little bastards... They deserved worse... _So much worse_.

The Uchiha Bitch was insufferable. And Hidan had known the brat was going to be difficult, but he had not known just how horribly correct he truly was. The bitch refused to do _anything_. If Hidan asked him to fetch water from a nearby stream, the bastard would turn his nose and walk away. If Drag Queen asked him to stop being such an emo bastard, then the kid's glare would worsen ten fold and a dark cloud seemed to appear around him. Hell, it seemed that the only time he was happy to do something was when Bowl Haired Idiot asked him to spar! But, really, that was only because the Uchiha Bitch wanted to beat the kid bloody.

The more time he spent around these bastards, the more he wished to not even be a part of the Akatsuki organization anymore.

The only small amount of comfort he gained was from the fact that he would be allowed to murder and sacrifice the Sand nin they were hunting down once they had finished interrogating him.

"Hidan, please, stop sulking and come teach your students a technique."

With a growl, Hidan glared at the woman and hissed out, "Shut up, you insufferable bitch! Be happy Lord Jashin has decided your pitiful, wretched life is worth _something_ and I have yet to be told to sacrifice your assfaced, conceited, much too retarded piece of shit ass!"

But instead of Konan answering him, the (Oh so _fucking_!) annoying idiot with the stupid hair popped in, red in the face and fuming. "You should not speak to a lady that way, Hidan Sensei!"

Behind him, Hidan could see that the Drag Queen was messing with his puppets, while the Emo Bitch feigned ignoring everyone. And with annoyance spiking inside of him, Hidan yelled out, "Shut up, you motherfucking cockjockey!"

He honestly didn't think that insult was any bad. It was a rather childish one if you asked him.

But from the way Konan glared at him, he began to think that maybe she didn't agree. Not that he cared, but if she was unhappy, then she would bitch to their leader. And if she did, it was very likely Hidan would be assigned to yet another horrible mision.

"What?!" He grouched as the woman continued to glare at him.

Then he heard the Emo Bitch scoff and the Drag Queen chuckle in amusement, even though the last idiot merely sounded confused. "What does that mean, Hidan Sensei?"

If the bitch hadn't been around, Hidan would have been more than glad to explain the amazing insult he had just been called. But because the bitch was there and she was giving him that glare that promised to go squealing to their leader at the first sign of disobedience from Hidan, the silver haired man restrained himself.

Instead of explaining the intricacies of calling people out for the horrible beings they were, he relented to the bitch's first wishes. "Who wants to learn how to inflict pain onto your opponent in a way that will _never_ have them breathing again?"

The reactions were varied. Emo Bitch merely rolled his eyes and turned away from him, apparently much too cool to learn from Hidan. But Fucked Up Hair merely stared at him with wide eyes, apparently taken aback by the malice in his teacher's voice. But Drag Queen... Maybe this kid wouldn't be _all that_ bad. For this was the only kid that _smiled_ and raised his hand at Hidan's proposition.

**~xXx~**

"Our mission is to find and disrupt the operations of a group of mercenaries at the edge of the Lands of Fire and Wind. We are to do so without causing any uproar and we must get in and out as quietly as possible. There is no room for failure or mistakes. If any of you is to commit one, you are to regret it. Now, are there any questions?"

When Itachi finished his question and turned his dark eyes onto his team of genin, he noticed just how pale the Inuzuka and the large boy were, even though Gaara remained stoic and seemingly undisturbed by what he had just been told.

"Are you sure that's a genin ranked mission, Sensei?" The Inuzuka voiced shakily, only to have the pup on his head back afterwards.

Itachi inferred that the pup's bark was one of agreement. Most probably, Akamaru was questioning Itachi as well.

"Of course. It was given to you, wasn't it?" Itachi answered smoothly, then shook his head. "Are there any questions as to what our tactics will be?"

The Inuzuka immediately raised his hand, but Ibiki beat him to voicing it out.

"Just _what_ will we be doing? We've never been on any mission before, Itachi Sensei. And it seems somewhat far fetched to send a team of genin to complete something that would normally be seen as B-Rank at the very least."

Itachi quirked an eyebrow at this, "Are you questioning me, Morino? I am your teacher. And I know your strengths and weaknesses."

The large boy's face scrunched slightly at Itachi's tone, and then the Inuzuka spoke up.

"It's not that, sensei, but-"

"We will be fine."

All three were surprised to hear Gaara speak up.

Itachi turned to his last student with a disinterested look on his face, although he was slightly intrigued by his sudden words. The boy, though, merely grunted noncommittally and shrugged his shoulders, arms crossed over his chest.

"It is an easy mission." The boy grunted, "Don't overreact."

He could tell that Ibiki and Kiba still were extremely doubtful. But Itachi was pleased to see that Gaara had taken on some kind of caring attitude towards his teammates.

**~xXx~**

"Uh... S-Sasori S-Sensei?"

At the moment, Sasori had been busy reading over the scroll the fat one had handed him- after dusting the orange dust off from it, of course- to see just what silly little task their leader had assigned his team.

Apparently, the man had zero trust in the skills his genin team possessed. What they had been given was nothing other than manual labor.

They were to intercept a scroll from a team of chunin heading from the Hidden Leaf to the Hidden Rock. This was an insult to Sasori's skills.

Apparently, then pink haired girl that had dared near him had noticed in just how foul a mood he was in because she soon backed away from the man, eyes closed and face scrunched up in fear.

"What?!" The man growled at the kunoichi, eyes narrowed as he looked at her.

"I'm sorry for bothering you!" She immediately apologized, shaking her head, "But we wanted to know just what our mission was!" The girl seemed on the verge of tears as she said this, "We didn't think it would be wise to go into the mission without really knowing what it is we're supposed to do!"

And then, much to Sasori's complete surprise, the girl burst into tears, sobbing loudly into her hands.

The sudden outburst caused the man to blink in shock at the crying kunoichi, completely unsure of what he was to do. Then, as if that shock hadn't been enough, the purple haired one ran up and hugged the pink haired one tightly... And promptly began to cry with her.

So now the puppeteer had two crying girls kneeling before him... And he had no idea what he was supposed to do.

From behind him, he could hear the fat one munching on his chips.

"That might have been kind of too far, Sasori Sensei." The kid smacked his lips as he spoke, "Sakura and Hinata just wanted to be responsible kunoichi. There really was no need to scream at them."

For the first time in years, Sasori began to actually _feel._ He was feeling bad for having overreacted and even worried about the crying girls before him.

He didn't like it.

**~xXx~**

Progress was slow.

Those two lazy assess were worse than even Hidan.

The one with the senbon fascination was rude and didn't care about anything, with a damned 'go with the flow' attitude. It annoyed Kakuzu to no end when he said 'Oh, come on... Just trust me. We'll be _fine_.'

Then there was the pineapple look-a-like. This one... All he ever did with any enthusiasm was look at clouds! Be it morning or night, the kid would actually stare up at the sky and just _look..._ He didn't do _anything else_ while he did this. He just _stared_.

But, out of all of them, the worst must have been the one without pupils in his eyes. He wasn't lazy, like the other two. No, his stalling of their advancement came out of a pure desire to spite Kakuzu and the other two kids with him. While the other two idiots lagged behind and stalled, they at least didn't hate the fact they were on a mission and still kept up with Kakuzu. But this little bastard... He _purposely_ derailed Kakuzu by prompting his other two teammates to rest.

And the little shit had the gall to smirk smugly at Kakuzu whenever either of the lazy idiots threw themselves at the floor to rest. He knew what he was doing when he asked the senbon lover if he wanted to rest.

Smug little bastard... Knew exactly what he was doing.

**~xXx~**

Kisame noted that, the more he allowed his monsters to speak, the more they annoyed him.

And he had wound up with a hypothesis that, if he wanted some peace and quiet, he should try and shut them up. If he allowed them to speak, and they spoke, then, if he _denied_ them to speak, they would not.

This hypothesis had quickly been shown wrong when Temari had threatened with making shark sushi out of the man if he dared tell her to shut again.

Then he had begun to wonder if he were to distract them with training or field related jargon, if they would finally stop arguing.

This hypothesis had proven to work with Naruto for a few minutes before he gave up, too stupid to truly understand anything. It also worked for the two girls, for they were smart enough to understand everything Kisame said, but only up to a certain point. When Naruto gave up, he became irritating once more. And this meant that, like dominoes falling, Temari would then stop learning and begin to argue with the other blonde. And, with those two arguing, Tenten would give up trying to learn and just sit beside her blue skinned sensei to watch the arguing idiots.

So, Kisame decided that, if those two enjoyed fighting so much, then maybe he should have them spar to get rid of some of the excess aggression. Maybe by having them fight it out, the'd end up physically exhausted and unable to continue arguing.

And _this_ hypothesis failed miserably when Temari tried beat Naruto into a bloody pulp.

If Kisame hadn't stepped in when he had, he was pretty sure he would have a jinchuuriki corpse to try and explain...

He'd spent so much time trying to get his team to work together that he had yet to even find out what his mission was.

Well... Fuck Pein.

He'd given Kisame the worst team around. And actually expected shit to get done?

 _Fuck_ Pein.

"Kisame Sensei! What's our mission!? I want to know so I can beat the blonde bimbo to-"

"Finish talking, Fox Breath, and I'll _murder_ you!"

And the headaches only kept worsening...

**~xXx~**

Anko was quickly growing to be Deidara's favorite student. At least in the destructive field.

"Give me the information, you sorry son of a bitch!"

Ino, on the other hand, was useful for keeping their target awake with her knowledge of herbs to wake people up.

"Come on... What if we promised to go and buy you some dango afterwards? Would you give us the information then?"

"Dango!"

Ino sighed at the excited girl, shaking her head softly. "Anko, the dango wouldn't be for you."

The crestfallen face that took over Anko then was almost enough to make Deidara burst out in laughter.

"I believe it is my turn to get some information."

And Shino was amazing for the quiet type of things Deidara was no good for.

The terrified screams of their unwilling informant had Deidara smiling so broadly he was sure he looked deranged.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Konan must have done something to Hidan. That is the only answer for these feelings. Kiba's curiosity still needs to be culled, but at least it's directed to the right place. Sasori is actually trying... Although it doesn't seem to be working out too well... For the first time in forever, Kakuzu finds out the biggest secret his kids had been keeping: They aren't completely useless. Kisame just gives in and allows the kids to eat some ramen. What's the worst that could happen, really? And Deidara believes he is on the correct road with his little monsters. They just threatened him! He couldn't have been prouder!

**~xXx~**

The Drag Queen wasn't as annoying as the rest of the idiotic kids. At least, in Hidan's mind, he wasn't as completely useless as the rest of the kids he was stuck with.

If it had been up to him, during their mission, he would have allowed the Uchiha Brat to be left behind in the hotel room they had rented out because he just wasn't worth the time. But that Konan bitch had woken the brat up before Hidan had managed to sneak out with the other two kids, which meant they were still stuck with the sorry excuse for a human being.

What was so great about this kid was completely lost to the Jashinist.

But, slowly, he had come to see just why the Drag Queen and Ugly Kid had been made part of the Akatsuki's plans.

The Drag Queen was a sadistic little shit. And Hidan could respect that.

On the other hand, the Ugly Boy was a fiery little bastard that didn't seem to know when to give up. And, admittedly, Hidan had to give him some kind of credit for never quitting when placed in hopeless spars against either of his other two teammates.

Quite frankly, Hidan was starting to think that Konan had placed some evil kind of jutsu on him. Because, slowly but surely, as they completed their mission of interrogating the ninja (after many setbacks born from the little shit employing other nins to protect him), he was beginning to like the two kids.

The Uchiha Brat he'd have no qualms about sacrificing. But the other two... Well, they were lower on the list now. Right below Kakuzu and Pein, but just above Kisame.

**~xXx~**

"Itachi Sensei?"

With a soft hum, Itachi allowed his students to know that he was paying attention to them, although he wasn't looking directly at them. His dark eyes looked over the scroll of their mission, thinking about he could truly perfect their strategy before they managed to go out on their mission.

"Well... Akamaru and I have been wondering about just what we're going to do? I mean, I know that we're supposed to be the recon team, and Gaara is supposed to be the advancing force, but... I don't get it... Why are you separating us on our first mission? Shouldn't we be working together like a real genin team?"

The fact that an Inuzuka had come up with these questions had Itachi wondering just what kind of kid Kiba truly was. In his time back in the village, he had never met an Inuzuka that would openly question and defy orders, not to those they were loyal to. But, then again, Kiba wasn't completely loyal to him just yet. He was still loyal to his family, his first pack.

A rustle from behind the boy had both males looking at the spot, only to find Ibiki standing behind the younger boy with a soft frown. Gaara was to his left, although he was as expressionless as ever.

"The strategy is that of the least amount of casualties as possible, Kiba." Ibiki explained, eyes drifting over to Itachi for a second, as if looking for confirmation, before they went back to Kiba once more. "By sending you in, you'll be able to give us a complete idea of what we are to find in the encampment. Then you will tell Itachi Sensei of your findings, which would then let him know the best course of action with Gaara and myself. Isn't that right, Itachi Sensei?"

The boy's mood was completely serious, permeated with a business like undertone that had Itachi remembering the tough and scarred interrogator this kid had become. But there was a glint in this boy's eyes, something he had never seen in the older Ibiki's own.

Innocence.

Ibiki had not been innocent for the longest of time.

Well, hadn't been. Apparently, he had not lost his childlike self until _after_ becoming a genin.

"That is correct, Ibiki." Itachi nodded solemnly, then looked at Kiba, "I am merely playing to your strengths, Inuzuka. I trust that, as an Inuzuka, your enhanced senses and stealth are up to the task of infiltrating and investigating." As he said this, he allowed a small smile to grace his lips as a show of affection to both kids. "I believe in the both of you."

The way all their faces lit up made Itachi's night.

Even though Gaara had not said a single thing during the whole encounter, Itachi knew that having heard he was an integral part of the plan would make the boy even more content with his team.

The fact that Kiba was so ready to question Itachi kind of worried the man, but he knew that he could not scold the boy on it. The Inuzuka were usually a rebellious kind of clan if told _not_ to do something. Instead, Itachi would have to ingrain respect to the chain of command without making it seem like he was doing this.

... Well, at least he was smart enough to not run in blindly into situations.

**~xXx~**

When they reached the town of their mission, Sasori couldn't help but still feel slightly bad about having screamed at Sakura for just wanting to be a responsible genin. For some reason, he couldn't shake the bad feeling that had washed over him hours ago. And he _hated it_.

Neither girl had even looked at him since his outburst. They kept to each other and spoke softly, barely even taking notice of the fat kid's own presence. The boy, rather than follow after Sasori, kept himself at a safe yet close distance from the girls. He didn't let them get too far from him, even though they didn't talk to him. He seemed to be content with being a kind of bodyguard to the girls.

The fact that he cared about the girls already really made Sasori feel bad.

Just how had these kids managed to make him feel _so soon_? It didn't make sense. He didn't even know them!

With a growl, the man asked for a room for them all to stay in and paid the price. Normally, he would have chosen separate rooms so he wouldn't have to deal with unnecessary idiots. But if he were to do that now, the kids would have more reason to think that he hated them. And that was the last thing he needed.

"Come on."

Both girls jumped about a mile high as soon as they heard him speak and Sasori didn't miss the glare sent his way by the fat kid.

Inwardly, he sighed. But, on the outside, he merely looked into the terrified eyes of both kunoichi. "We shall become accommodated in our room. Then we shall go get some food. And then I shall tell you what our mission is. Am I understood?"

If it had been any other group of people, Sasori would have been content with silent nods. But seeing these kids nod in such a scared manner... He found himself _annoyed_ by it. And he couldn't understand just _why_ he was annoyed.

**~xXx~**

"Kakuzu Sensei!"

A grunt escaped the annoyed man as he heard his students scream out for him, but he couldn't turn to any of them.

The supposedly simple bounty given to him by the Akatsuki's leader proved to not be as simple as the orange haired man had initially thought. The target proved to be wily and intelligent, aside from cunning. The bastard laid a trap out for them and, even though the pupil less idiot found it, he wasn't able to warn the senbon enthusiast before it was much too late and the kid had a flurry of kunai heading right his way.

If asked later about it, Kakuzu would say that the only reason why he intercepted the kunai and covered the boy's body with his own was that he refused to let the kid die on his watch and then have to _pay_ for it.

It certainly wasn't because, for that split second in which he saw the boy's eyes widen in nothing but pure fear and horror, he felt _something_ pass through him. Not at all. He still hated the little brat.

Right now his whole back seemed like a pin cushion for kunai. And although it hurt like a bitch, Kakuzu knew he couldn't dwell on that fact for too long. Not if he wanted to actually cash in on his bounty.

Below him, he noticed that Genma's body was tense and his eyes were narrowed. And, in the back of his mind, he noted that he'd never seen a look like that on his face in the whole time he had known the kid. But, again, he couldn't spend too much time on thoughts. He had to _move_.

With much effort, the man turned around to face the ninja they were hunting down, only to find that the man wasn't smirking or smiling, as he would have expected. After having managed to harm Kakuzu in this manner, he should at least be a _bit_ smug.

But, no. The man was frowning and his eyebrows were knitted.

"Nobody hurts our Sensei."

The possessive growl from Genma caught Kakuzu completely off guard.

But not as much as seeing Shikamaru, for the first time in this whole mentorship, with actual determination in his eyes.

"You may be wondering why you can't move. That is because I have you caught in my jutsu. One that you cannot break out from." Shikamaru informed from his position a few feet to Kakuzu's left, his hands held together in a sign the man was not familiar with. "Neji, now!"

And, finally, as if actually hearing an edge to Shikamaru's voice wasn't enough, the pupil less bastard ran up with a speed and force Kakuzu would never have imagined to find in any of these kids. With deadly precision, the kid wailed into the target without any hesitation, quickly rendering him helpless and unconscious.

"Sensei, come on, I need to take a look at your wounds."

Genma's words forced him out of his surprise and when Kakuzu looked down, he found the senbon enthusiast looking at him with a grim frown on his face, the perpetual senbon in his mouth being clinked against his teeth with what he could guess could only be worry.

"Neji and I will tie the bounty up, Kakuzu Sensei. Just let Genma take care of that." Shikamaru called with a frown of his own before he made his way over to Neji, whose glare seemed a tad bit more intense now.

Dumbly, the man allowed Genma to sit him down by a tree and begin to treat his back, although he knew the kid shouldn't fuss so much over him. The kunai hadn't hit anything vital and hadn't even seemed to have gone that deep. Because his body was stronger, and it had been his back, the kunai had not been as deadly as they would have if they had hit Shiranui head on.

The idea of the kid becoming a pin cushion itself did nothing to brighten Kakuzu's mood.

But hearing Genma fussing to himself while deft fingers worked on Kakuzu's injuries didn't hurt too much.

Neither did seeing Shikamaru and Neji actually _doing something_ _other than sleeping or pissing him off._

If asked later on, Kakuzu would deny to having felt anything as he looked at his team work in their own tasks.

But, for the time being... He'd allow himself to just enjoy not seeing them laze around.

**~xXx~**

So... His career as a scientist had failed spectacularly. No more hypothesis making for him. They only wound up with the kids arguing and an even bigger headache for him.

Kisame looked at the arguing blondes- who were busy discussing about some other stupidity he had blocked out minutes ago- and then glanced at Tenten. The dark haired girl deserved herself some kind of treat, just like Kisame did. Not only was she stuck with the crazed blondes as her teammates, she somehow managed to survive all of the insanity with only minor annoyance.

Once he was able to get rid of those annoying blondes, Kisame would try to give Tenten some kind of gift. Maybe a nice and shiny sword would be nice. And she seemed like the kind that would know how to admire and appreciate proper swordsmanship.

"No way could you beat me!"

Huh... So that's what those kids were arguing about this time around? About who could beat who?

"I bet I could! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

A long suffered sigh left Tenten's lips as she shook her head softly and Kisame couldn't help but feel really bad for her.

He must be getting soft. Feeling bad for a kid. He would blame it all on Pein's horrible plan.

"Hey, Kisame Sensei! I'm hungry!"

"Yeah! Can we finally stop to get some food?"

Kisame quirked an eyebrow at both blondes, shocked to hear that they were both on the same page for once in their lives.

Both looked intently at their teacher, eyes wide and lips pursed.

Come to think of it, Kisame was kind of hungry too.

"That... Wouldn't be a bad idea..." He stated slowly, his own eyes squinted slightly due to the perpetual headache he now suffered from.

Then the blue skinned man began to look around their surroundings and noted that- surprisingly enough- they had actually managed to reach the village of their mission. Huh... He had honestly thought he would have lost (gotten rid of) one of the kids before they arrived. Especially if that kid happened to be Naruto. The boy just did not know how to keep his mouth shut.

"Are you kids okay with a ramen stand?" The man's eyes had fallen on the ramen stand right before he had asked that, and, from the way the boy's eyes lit up, he knew he may have just chosen right.

"Yeah! Let's go get some ramen!"

Before Temari or Tenten could argue about not wanting any of that unhealthy food, the loud blonde had run off. And, when Kisame noted that they were going to begin to argue, he simply shrugged and began to walk after the blonde. He'd be damned if he wasn't afforded just one second of silence from Naruto's incessant chatter.

And as he sat in the ramen stand with his much-too-big-for-this-place frame rather uncomfortable, he noticed that the kids weren't arguing like always. Instead, Naruto was giving the girls his opinions on which ramen was the best and even given rather smart reasons why. And, rather than fight him on it, Temari actually nodded in agreement with the blonde, while Tenten listened with mild amusement.

Then, when the food finally arrived and they all settled to eat, Kisame noticed something rather miraculous.

There was no yelling. No screaming. No insults were being hurled.

Instead, the kids were all enjoying their food with varying degrees of pleasure and contentment.

Naruto was slurping down the contents of his ten bowls- all which would undoubtedly be paid by Kisame later on, but he didn't really want to think about that yet- without abandon or hesitation, stopping every now and then to commend to the cook. Temari was much more composed as she ate, but still had a soft smile on her face as she delighted in the hot meal. And Tenten merely hummed in thought every now and then, not as polite in her manners as Temari, but certainly not as bad Naruto.

His own bowl of the food was rather delicious, but Kisame didn't revel too much on that fact. Instead, he found himself looking every now and then at his kids, as if too make sure that they truly were his and they weren't just setting him up for some horrible fight later on.

He didn't notice it at the moment, but, later on, he would figure out just why it was that he insisted on looking at the kids. And it wasn't just because he didn't trust them.

Later on, he would figure out that they had, somehow, become a permanent fixture in his life.

**~xXx~**

"Deidara Sensei? Did we complete our mission successfully?"

The blonde hummed in slight thought for a moment after Shino had asked him this, then he nodded softly. "I believe so. We got the information out of the informant with only a few blown up buildings. I do not think the leader will scold you too much."

At this, Anko's head shot up from the scroll she and Ino had been sharing- one that Deidara had given them about fire type jutsu- and she glared at her teacher. "That's a load of BS, Deidara Sensei! _We_ didn't blow anything up! That was all you and your explosion happy hands!"

"Yeah! We're not supposed to have to pay for your mistakes!" Ino agreed immediately with her fellow kunoichi, blue eyes filled with fire as she looked at the man. "Deidara Sensei, if we get in trouble because of you, I swear you're going to... To... Uh... Anko, help me out here!"

With a deadly smirk that reminded Deidara eerily of Orochimaru, the purple haired girl finished Ino's threat. "If you don't man up and accept your own failure, you'll wake up to be missing a rather important appendage of yours. Maybe you'll wake up as it happens, even. Or, better yet," Now the girl's smirk became almost lecherous, sending a shiver down Deidara's spine. "Hell, why don't we add some poison and bugs into the mix? What do you think, guys?"

"What? Wait, you can't do that! You can't begin a threat and then start getting opinions from the others!" Deidara shouted, only to be interrupted by Ino nodding proudly.

"Totally. And I know all kinds of poisons that hurt for _hours_ and _days_ but don't kill!" With this, the blonde girl began to clap giddily, eyes beginning to sparkle at the idea of poisoning her sensei.

"We should add some fire to this equation of vengeance." Shino added as he began to move towards the girls and their scroll, "Maybe there might be a useful jutsu in here."

With this, all three huddled together to begin to read the scroll given to them be Deidara, leaving the man pale and slightly frightened at the sadistic inclinations his students had adopted in less than a few days.

But, once the fear of being the target of their anger had dwindled, the blonde couldn't help but smile at the trio.

Anko animatedly pointed at every single jutsu she found, then tried to tell the other two why it would be perfect right before another took her attention and the cycle began anew. Ino, on the other hand, looked at the most interesting looking ones and nodded to some of Anko's observations. And, finally, Shino merely looked over the scroll without saying anything, although he did hum whenever one of Anko's crazed ideas caught his attention.

Well wasn't this just perfect? His little monsters were really becoming a team!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Hidan decides to teach his kids of the greatest, most important thing in his life: Lord Jashin. Itachi is glad he has Gaara and Ibiki around to quell Kiba's energy. Sasori learns more about his team. Kakuzu loses to his team... Not because he likes them or anything! He just doesn't like to waste any money. For the first time, Kisame is able to teach something to his kids: He can be just as bad as them. And Deidara is proud of his little pyromaniacs.

**~xXx~**

The Drag Queen had no real reason to be so amazingly sadistic. And, even though most people would be almost frightened, Hidan was pleasantly surprised to find out about how truly psychotic the kid could act.

The boy clad in the green monstrosity was pretty fucking annoying most of the time, too... But he wasn't _completely_ useless. His other-worldly speed and strength allowed him to not be a complete nuisance in Hidan's life and even helped them complete their mission much faster and much more efficiently than Hidan had ever expected.

And now that Hidan noticed just how not completely useless these kids were, he decided that it was about time he sat them down to teach them the ways of his religion.

At first, Konan tried to tell him that, "No. These kids did not have religion as a part of their lives before and they certainly don't- blah, blah, blah." Really, it was all just shit Hidan couldn't give a single damn about.

So, one day, he decided to make himself seem as proper to Konan as possible and asked her to take the Uchiha Bitch with her to the nearest weapons store so they could pick out the best kunai for the rest of the team he had been assigned. The purple haired bitch had given him a cautious and interrogating look but hadn't said anything. Instead she had just motioned for the Duck's Ass Haired Idiot to follow her and they both had left the hotel room they had rented out for the mission.

The first thing the Drag Queen had done after they both had gone was to question just how bad Hidan must have been feeling if he had not called Konan any of the customary insults he always used when around her.

The first thing Ugly Hair did was ask Hidan if they would be able to get some training done while they waited for the two that had left them.

And the first thing Hidan did?

Well, the first thing the Jashinist did was grab both kids by the back of their shirts and throw them onto the cots on the floor. Then he knelt in front of them both with a serious frown on his lips and his eyes narrowed as he looked at them both.

"Today I shall teach you of something so important and sacred that I had to run both those idiots out of here. I don't want them tainting the sanctity of what I am about to tell you by their heretic souls." Hidan explained himself, then raised his hand to shush both boys as they began to try to speak. "Don't interrupt me, idiots! I'm going to tell you of the greatest secret behind my success: My religion!"

Those two never stood a chance.

**~xXx~**

The plan went off without a hitch.

The Inuzuka went into the camp with Akamaru by his side without any kind of hesitation. After having been told of Itachi's reasoning, the boy seemed wholly set on completing the mission successfully.

When he came back, he gave Itachi a complete report on all of the mercenaries in the camp, their positions, how many were sleeping, how many were drunk, and how little were sober enough to give them trouble. And with this information, Itachi was able to consult with Ibiki and Gaara about the best course of action.

Just as he had thought, Gaara knew that their best chances of going in and destroying the camp without casualties was to send him in alone. The best way to silence the group of mercenaries was to (at least) cripple them in a manner that would leave them unable to continue doing their job. And, while Gaara was accustomed to this kind of work, both Ibiki and Kiba still had a lot to learn about the true darkness of their world.

Itachi sent Gaara ahead and had Ibiki follow quietly, so the boy could begin to learn about their true work and give Gaara some cover if it was needed. Kiba, though, stayed behind with him so he couldn't ruin the mission by trying to keep Gaara from permanently stopping the band of mercenaries.

During his time with the Inuzuka, Itachi noted that the boy took to fidgeting. A lot. And his eyes darted from Itachi, to the forest, to the direction in which his teammates had gone, back to Itachi... A continuous cycle of fidgeting, really.

So, while Gaara unleashed his sand on the mercenaries and brought the mission to a clean end, Itachi decided to teach Kiba how to meditate to focus his energy and calm himself down.

This was when Itachi learned that trying to keep an Inuzuka still was like trying to teach a blind person to _see._ _Impossible_.

"I mean, Akamaru and I did good... Right?" Kiba asked for what seemed like the eighteenth time, cracking his eyes open even though he was supposed to keep them closed. "We were awesome! Right, bud?"

Akamaru barked in agreement and Itachi could feel the breeze coming from his active tail, clearly proud with what they had done on the mission.

With a soft sigh, the Uchiha opened both of his eyes to look at the boy and dog. Kiba was sat cross legged to the man's left, and Akamaru was rested on the boy's head. His hands were poised over his knees, in the position Itachi had taught him for meditating... But, clearly, the boy was doing anything _but_ meditating.

"You are not one for meditation."

The sheepish smile Kiba gave the man did not surprise him.

Quite frankly, he should have known better than to try and calm an Inuzuka. This failure was on him.

Well, at least Gaara and Ibiki came back with good news of their success. They could head back to the Akatsuki's base without any problem. Their mission had finalized.

"Can you teach us an awesome jutsu?"

Quite frankly, Itachi was not caught off guard by Kiba asking the question.

"What if I teach you how to summon tomorrow, Kiba?"

But he _was_ caught by surprise when Ibiki spoke up to give Itachi some space from the hyperactive Inuzuka.

"Are you serious, Biki? Awesome!"

With a quirked eyebrow, Itachi looked at the tallest teenager. And Ibiki merely gave him a soft smirk.

"I believe Itachi Sensei will have to put together a report to give his superiors tomorrow. Would you like to learn with as well, Gaara?"

"Sure."

**~xXx~**

Taking his team out for food wasn't too difficult.

The fat one ate anything that came his way. The pink one, although clearly not comfortable with eating anything, didn't try and fight what Sasori told them they would eat. And the purple one was much too afraid of anything to try and speak up.

Sasori wasn't sure if this was a good or bad thing. He was sure it was good because he didn't have to argue with any of the kids and had yet to threaten them. But he was kind of sure it was almost bad because he was supposed to be a teacher or something to them... And teachers were supposed to answer questions and teach, right? But if they weren't asking questions, then he wasn't teaching... Is that how it worked?

Truth be told, he wasn't completely accustomed to having to actually connect with people. He didn't like human connections. He would much rather enjoy time with puppets than with people. Emotions were much too annoying and not worth it most of the time. And the small amount of time they weren't annoying... Well, Sasori was pretty sure there was no moment in time in which emotions didn't get in the way.

When they entered the small restaurant that was across the street from the hotel they had taken refuge in, the man sat himself by the corner farther from the kids. And they all sat on the same side of the table, eyes flitting from one thing to another. But they barely ever looked at Sasori. They were most probably still unsure of how to act around him.

The thought made Sasori frown.

"We are to intercept a group of traitors on their way to the Hidden Stone Village."

Both girls jumped in fear as soon as they heard their teacher speak up. But the fat one merely nodded at the information.

"We are to leave tomorrow in the early morning. Are there any complaints?"

Once more, both girls had the same reaction. They shook their heads wildly with their eyes closed, avoiding any eye contact with the puppeteer.

"Can we order now?"

He should have expected the fat one to do this... With a sigh, Sasori nodded softly, "Get whatever you want."

His wallet felt the dent the fat one made in it rather quickly.

Tonight, Sasori learned three very important things. First, he would have to try a different approach with both girls. Even though the fat one didn't mind his aloof ways, the two girls were not going to get accustomed to it any time soon.

Second, he learned that, even with how difficult it would be to connect with those two girls, he didn't have the most useless group of kids. The pink haired one knew enough about medicines and poisons, just like the purple haired one. And the fat one's fighting style was a good balance for the close ranged type the purple haired one used and the long ranged one the pink haired one used.

And, third and finally, he learned he would _never_ allow the fat one to pick whatever he wanted when at a restaurant.

**~xXx~**

His team had proved they weren't completely incompetent. And Kakuzu had no idea how he was supposed to react to this knowledge.

So, rather than take it into account, Kakuzu acted as if nothing had changed. And, in turn, his kids went back to their old routine of being lazy and pissing him off.

"He's too heavy to move... It's _troublesome_!"

"Why can't _you_ carry him, Kakuzu Sensei? _We_ captured him!"

"It would only be right for you to bring him back after we went through the trouble of stopping him from killing you."

The three teens were struggling to pull their bounty as Kakuzu walked a few feet in front of them. They had managed to craft a kind of cot from leaves and sturdy sticks (Kakuzu wasn't about to waste any money buying any actual supplies for that) and were now to bring the bounty all the way back to one of the nearby villages to be able to cash it in.

The man's back still stung from the attack he had suffered, but he wasn't about to admit that to his team. So instead he told them that, because they weren't able to stop the attack before it happened, they were going to bring the man. No matter how difficult it might prove to be to them.

"Shut up!" Kakuzu growled after another round of whining and groaning. "I already told you, either you move him or you don't get any food!"

There was a beat of silence after he had growled that out and he closed his eyes to try and relax, because he thought his kids had finally listened to him. Too bad they broke the silence before he could even breath out.

"Yo, Genma... Are you hungry? Cause I'm kind of hungry."

"Yeah, Shikamaru... I'm kind of feeling my stomach telling me we should stop and buy something to eat."

"It would be a good idea to stop and buy something to eat. After all, Kakuzu Sensei will not give us any of our own. This means we will have to buy for ourselves."

A twitch in his eyebrows began at the very thought of those little brats wasting money on _food_.

A few minutes later found Kakuzu leaning against a sturdy tree with their target knocked out beside him. And the three little mongrels he had been left were happily munching on their rations.

He had given in. Not because he didn't want the brats to go hungry! But because he would much rather stop and give them from their rations than stop and waste money on food.

**~xXx~**

They had been almost angelic as they ate. Hell, they had been so good that Kisame had almost forgotten how truly terrible the little mongrels could be.

Then Naruto had opened up his big mouth and asked Temari if she had eaten enough and everything had gone to hell.

"What are you implying, you pea-brained idiot!? That I'm eating too much?! Are you trying to tell me that I'm fat!? Oh, you bastard! You're dead!"

When the girl had lunged at her fellow blonde, Kisame hadn't even tried to stop her. He merely allowed her to pounce on Naruto and begin to to wail at him. The owner of the ramen establishment looked at him with wide and fear filled eyes, but the shark nin had merely shook his head and continued to eat his food.

"Uh... Kisame Sensei? Aren't you going to get Temari off of Naruto?"

He hadn't even spared Tenten a look as he continued eating.

"Not at all. The idiot needs to learn when to keep his mouth shut." Kisame shrugged as he said this, trying to ignore the screams of pain and shouts of anger coming from the two fighting blondes.

The scuffling continued until well after Kisame had finished eating. By the time he was ready to deal with the blondes' stupidity once more, he had already paid for their food and prepared himself for travelling on foot once more.

When he turned to look at both blondes, he found that they were both tired, smeared with blood and dirt, and looked as if they were ready to fall into unconsciousness. After he had taken all this in, the man had merely clicked his tongue, shook his head, and grabbed the scroll Pein had given him all those days ago.

"Might as well find out what our mission is now that you two aren't fighting."

"Wait, you don't know what our mission is?"

"Not at all. We've been wandering around aimlessly because I just didn't give enough damns to find out."

"Wait... So... We don't even know if we're in the right village for the mission then, Kisame Sensei!"

"Nope." Kisame couldn't help but smirk at the dismayed and horrified looks the three kids gave him after he lied to them. "Wait, did you expect me to actually help you kids out with the migraines you were giving me? Oh... You have a lot to learn. You fuck me over, I fuck you over."

"But that means we'll be stuck doing this mission for longer! We've already been traveling for days, Shark Breath!"

They were in the right village for their mission. He just didn't know what exactly they were supposed to be doing. But his kids didn't know that. And he was enjoying messing with their heads.

"That we have... Oh well. You two have enjoyed yourselves by trying to kill each other. Now you have more time to actually succeed at it!"

"You're so evil..."

" _Thank you_. Now shut up. I have to read and my head still hurts."

**~xXx~**

Deidara's team had decided on a jutsu they all wanted to learn. It was a simple fire release that used a rather sizable amount of chakra. The Great Fireball Technique. Even though he wasn't completely sure if any of his kids had any affinity for fire jutsu, Deidara was more than eager to get to teaching them actual destructive abilities other than the ones they already knew.

Because they had managed to complete their mission so quickly and efficiently, Deidara decided that a small break for teaching them a jutsu wouldn't hurt at all. Especially considering how they hadn't even traveled that far from the Akatsuki's base.

Now he stood with his three kids quite a ways away from him inside of a clearing he had created (with a few smartly placed explosions). They all looked back at him with determination clear on their faces and Deidara couldn't help but smirk at all of them.

"Alright! I've already taught you the technique and how it's supposed to look. Now show me what you got!"

Without needing any further prompting, all three young teens made the proper hand signs for the technique. And with chorused shouts of "Great Fireball Technique!", the clearing was engulfed with a beautiful harmony of reds, oranges, and yellows.

Deidara's cloak and a bit of his hair were singed by the amazing fireball they were all able to create together. And he couldn't have been prouder!

"Yes! Beautiful! Just like that!"

A loud whoop could be heard from Anko after the fire they had created died down, all the while Ino smiled broadly. And even though Shino's face couldn't really be seen, Deidara could still feel the pride radiating off the boy at what they had created together.

"We have a team attack, guys! We are fucking awesome!" Anko jumped up and down with her bubbly pride and Ino giggled beside her. "It was kind of fun to set things on fire."

"Indeed." Shino agreed.

And it was at this moment that Deidara knew that, given enough time, he would truly mold these three into the greatest little psychopathic pyromaniacs the world had ever seen.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Konan finds out just why Hidan was being so nice to her during the morning and she is not amused. Hidan, on the other hand, is just annoyed with infidels. Itachi finds out more information about his team and is pleasantly surprised once more. Sasori decides that his team needs to train and urgently so... After allowing them to get their asses beaten horribly first. Kakuzu finds out he may just have at least two budding psychopaths on his hands. Kisame's pain continues as he tries to complete the mission, now with perverted pre-teens. And Deidara almost regrets teaching his kids about the beauty of true art.

**~xXx~**

"Let me out of here! I can't take it anymore! I refuse to pray to your pitiful, nonexistent god! Konan! Sasuke! _Anyone_! _Please!_ "

"No, Drag Queen, you're praying all wrong. Lee, show him how it's done!"

"Yes, Hidan Sensei! Lord Jashin, please allow our ever bountiful youth to be-"

"Wrong! What are you?! Retarded! For fuck's sake, I even called you by your fucking name this time!"

These were the shouts Konan and Sasuke heard when they returned to the hotel room they had bought for their time in the small town they had gone to for their already completed mission.

Sadly, Konan was _not_ surprised by them. She had been expecting Hidan to eventually try and force his religion onto their students. She just hadn't expected Rock Lee to take to it so easily. Especially seeing how the boy was mostly sunshine and rainbows while the Jashinist religion was blood, death, and ruin.

"Are we going to help them?"

Konan quirked one eyebrow at the mostly emotionless question from the Uchiha. The boy was an excellent fighter. But he was much too sour when it came to forming relations. Even she, that had faced enough hardship in her life, had been able to make human connections with others. The Uchiha, though, kept himself completely disconnected from anyone that even tried to speak to him.

She would have to fix this if the Akatsuki's plans were to be successful.

"Of course." She replied just as emotionlessly, keeping her face stoic. "Let's go."

When she opened the door to the room, she found Hidan with one arm around Kankuro's neck, all the while the boy bit at the arm and tried to free himself. And Rock Lee was thrown over Hidan's shoulder, his other arm wrapped around the boy's back. Kankuro and Hidan were both standing and shouting over each other venomously, although Rock Lee seemed happy to just continue babbling his rather squeaky clean prayer to Hidan's violent god.

Internally, Konan wondered if Hidan could understand the irony of the boy's prayers. But she didn't allow herself to think too much on it before she was moving into the room with a calm air about her.

"Hidan. Please let go of both genin."

It was when she spoke that they noticed that she and Sasuke had returned. And for a moment, the three froze and turned to look at her. But after a few seconds of completely silence, Hidan glared at her and his head.

"Lord Jashin needs more followers! And these two need salvation!"

"I don't need any of your imagined salvation! I'll gladly continue believing in nothing!" Kankuro shouted, then bit the man harshly in the same spot he had been biting before.

But this only caused Hidan to hiss in pleasure, seeing how he was such a sickly depraved individual.

"Konan Sensei! Sasuke! Come and pray with me!" Rock Lee beamed at them both, apparently the violence preached by Hidan not having been registered in his (unfortunately) one track mind.

"You are all idiots."

Konan could not help but agree with the Uchiha. Although she thought that all _four_ of the males she was stuck with were complete idiots.

**~xXx~**

Ibiki taught Gaara and Kiba a simple summoning jutsu. Nothing out of this world. He merely showed them how to summon an iron maiden that could be used to capture an enemy without causing too much harm. They both had to sign a contract in their names, but Itachi had allowed them to go through with it without interfering. If Ibiki had already signed the contract, then it most probably meant that it was a safe enough type.

This had immediately caught Itachi's interest, although he didn't show it as he continued to write down the report Pein would undoubtedly ask for once they returned to the Akatsuki's headquarters.

"It is used for restraining, not for harming." Ibiki explained to his teammates as he showed them the inner workings of the iron maiden he had summon, one that was much taller than him and could probably fit even Kisame inside. "When it comes to most summoning jutsu for these kinds of weapons, there's a double edged sword. The summoner will feel the same amount of pain as the victim caught inside the summons."

Ah... So that was why Ibiki had showed Kiba and Gaara a rather harmless summoning jutsu. It showed them the inner workings of how a summons worked, but, if they were ever to call on its aid, they would not get harmed. A rather smart move on the boy's part. Especially with the Inuzuka and his limited knowledge in defense rather than offense. And although Gaara had the sand to protect him, it wouldn't hurt for him to learn something else.

"Okay!" Kiba cheered with Akamaru yipping beside him. "I'm gonna try now!"

Then he bit into his thumb and went through the hand signs Ibiki had taught him and Gaara. Interested in seeing how Kiba would do with his first summons, Itachi set down the parchment he had been writing on and turned fully to his team of genin, looking on with a disinterested look on his face.

When he slammed his right hand against the floor, a burst of smoke covered it up. And once it had cleared up, Itachi couldn't help but be slightly amused.

It was an Akamaru sized Iron Maiden.

After the initial shock had dissipated, Kiba shouted out in dismay, apparently having expected something as big as Ibiki's own. Then Akamaru had begun to bark and growl at him, most probably taking offense to being called 'tiny and useless', although it had been indirectly. And Ibiki had merely patted the Inuzuka on the shoulder, telling him that practice made perfect.

"Now you, Gaara."

The red head nodded mutely as he took a few steps away from his fellow genin, then he followed through with the same steps Kiba had just gone through. And the smoke cloud that he created covered him completely, meaning he had summoned something big.

Admittedly, Itachi was left surprised by what he had been able to summon. An Iron Maiden just like Ibiki's own. But just a tiny bit smaller. Which meant that he had summoned something that could capture most kunoichi.

"What? I call BS! This is so unfair!" Kiba whined as soon as he had seen the size of the summon, "Gaara, how did you do that? It's so big!"

And suddenly Gaara found a wild Inuzuka right in his face, bouncing energetically all around him and his summons. And Akamaru jumped from Kiba's shoulder over to Gaara's, barking happily and licking at the boy's face without any hesitation.

Clearly, he was left wordless by the sudden affection. But before his silence could become awkward, Ibiki stepped forward and patted him on the shoulder. "This is really good for your first time, Gaara. You must have excellent chakra control."

"... Thank you..." The red head mumbled after a moment of silence, then found Akamaru licking at his cheek once more.

Seeing the blush that rose in the pale boy's cheeks and the way both Ibiki and Kiba were commending him for having done a job well done, Itachi couldn't help the fond smile that made its way onto his face.

**~xXx~**

The purple haired girl's fighting technique was superb. Sasori had to at least admit to that. Even though she was a weak willed kid that faltered with every single thought, she could at least pack an immense punch and render their enemies defenseless with almost terrifying accuracy.

And the fat one was strong and useful in distracting their enemies, giving the purple haired one a perfect opening to use her Gentle Fist style.

The pink haired one, though... Well, she was currently passed out on the floor a few feet away from him. She had proved to have an unbelievable amount of raw strength and undeniable chakra control, along with just a tad bit loss of emotional control.

If anyone from the Akatsuki had been here to see how he had handled the situation, they would have been surprised with how overly uncharacteristic he had done so. Instead of completing the battle as quickly and efficiently as he could have, he had instead allowed the kids to handle the battle. And he'd disappeared into the trees to watch without being seen.

He had acted as if he had been killed by the enemy shinobi before he'd escaped, though, to give the kids an incentive to fight back.

Sure, the enemy had been chunin level. And, yes, having tricked them into believing he was dead may have been just a tad bit mean. But it had garnered results.

They had come out victorious, after all... Oh, wait a minute. The fat one just fainted. And the purple haired one seemed an minute away from falling.

Eh. It had been successful. Now he knew just how far the kids could be pushed until they broke. Apparently, his 'death' was enough to get them to show actual rage.

**~xXx~**

"How far are we from the stupid place?"

"Can't we stop for a little while? I'm tired!"

"Why do you treat us like slaves?"

Kakuzu's frown deepened with every single _word_ that left those kids' mouths.

"This guy is _heavy_!"

"Why can't we just kill him? We can sever the head and bring it back as evidence!"

"... Genma... I had no idea you were a psychopath."

"Oh, come on, Hyuuga! It'd be a thousand times easier to carry a head, rather than this _troublesome_ body!"

The fact that it was _Genma_ that had offered this solution somewhat shocked Kakuzu. If he had pegged any of the kids to be coldhearted, it would be Neji. Not the laid back senbon enthusiast. And then Shikamaru had _agreed_ with his lazy friend and all thoughts of these kids being completely stupid were dashed from Kakuzu's mind.

With eyes slightly widened, Kakuzu told them, "We're about ten minutes from the town. Give me the body."

He didn't even explain to them that a living target was worth more than a dead target. He was too busy reeling over the idea of _Shikamaru and Genma_ having been the ones to think about decapitating their target.

**~xXx~**

Apparently, they had a very simple mission. They were to go to the town (even though the kids still thought they were in the wrong place because of Kisame's past trick) and meet with one an informant to receive a scroll of information to bring back to Pein. It was so simple, actually, that Kisame couldn't help but be slightly insulted by it.

Sure, he was stuck with jinchuuriki, a Kage brat, and a weapons enthusiast, but that didn't mean he couldn't handle a tougher mission.

"You suck!"

"Yeah, well you swallow!"

"Know what? You _both_ spit! And spitters are quitters, so you both are _losers_!"

"Hey! That was mean!"

"Yeah, Tenten, this isn't with you!"

"Kisame Sensei, can I _please_ gut them?"

... Then again... With kids like these, maybe a simple mission of picking up a scroll wasn't the _worst_ thing that could have happened to him... But being stuck with Naruto, Tenten, and Temari... Well, he was pretty sure it must have been a punishment from the leader. He wasn't sure what he had done to warrant the punishment, but it was better to think it was that than just the man being sadistic.

"I know where we have to go." He commented offhandedly as he began to walk in the direction of the building Pein had mentioned in the mission scroll.

He walked without even making sure that the kids were following him. But it was because he knew that, even if he tried to get rid of them, they would eventually find their way back to him. They were like parasites in that manner. And it wasn't as if he could purposely lose them. Pein would get pissed off with him and most probably give him an even worse punishment.

"You look like the kind of person that can take a lot, Temari. Kind of loose."

"Naruto!"

"You whisker faced bastard! Take that back!"

But, thinking about it... Kisame was pretty sure there wasn't any punishment worse than being stuck with these three.

... When had they learned about sex, anyway?

**~xXx~**

Ino was smiling broadly as she looked at her teacher. Anko was cackling with pure mirth, pounding her fists against the floor as she wheezed to try and get some oxygen into her system. And Shino's shoulders were shaking softly as he held out his arm, the stream of kikkai returning to him while he chuckled at his teacher's unfortunate mistake.

Deidara, though, was _not_ amused.

The tips of his hair were singed once more, his face was covered in ash, dirt, and blood, and his clothes were torn and tattered.

"That was _not_ funny, kids." He growled, not daring to move as Shino's bugs still flitted around him. "I could have killed us all."

They had snuck up on him as he worked on one of his sculptures. One of the more potent type that were crafted specifically for a bang.

He had been working peacefully as his kids read up on the fire jutsu scroll (or so he had thought). The forest around them had been quiet and serene as he had worked, making his work completely worthwhile. Then an undoubtedly venomous snake had appeared out of nowhere, scared the shit out of him, and prompted him to accidentally detonate the rather large bird he had been working on.

If it hadn't been for a swarm of Shino's bugs enveloping him at the last second, he would not be here to scold his children. And he had still been injured by the blast. He had kind of lost track of his hand after the initial blast...

"But we had it all under control, Deidara Senpai!" Ino remarked with a broad smile, "We were all the way over there when Anko sent the snake to you. There was no way we would have gotten caught in the blast!"

Deidara followed the blonde's hand to where she was pointing and noted with slight chagrin that they had been hiding behind a large rock face that would _not_ have crumbled by the blast's force. That didn't make any happier, though.

"Just why in the world would you kids risk all of our lives?" He sighed softly, raising his still intact hand to his head to massage at his pounding temple, closing his eye to try and calm down.

His heart was still beating in a way that reminded him of Tobi on a sugar rush. In the milliseconds between seeing the snake and setting the blast off, Deidara had honestly been terrified of where the kids had been. The idea of losing them caused his heart to squeeze in a manner he had never expected.

Could it be that they _really_ mattered to him?

No. It was inconceivable. He just wanted a group of pyromaniacs to rule. Not a group of kids to _care about_.

"We wanted to see the art, Deidara Sensei!" Anko crowed with a hearty jump, then ran up to the man and hugged him tightly. "And it was _beautiful_!"

The hug caught Deidara completely by surprise. Just like the snake. Anko was making this a habit and he wasn't sure if he liked it.

Patting awkwardly at her head, the man looked away and sneered half-heartedly, "Yeah, yeah. Bug boy! Princess! Fangs! I'm missing a hand! Time to find it!"

After he had said this, he waited a few seconds. Then he received the reactions he had been looking for and couldn't help the smirk that tugged at his lips.

" _What?!_ "


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Hidan hates Konan. Konan passively doesn't give a shit. Itachi has the best team; he is sure of it, but he wouldn't mind figuring out what they're hiding. Sasori does not know how to react. Neji is intelligent, knows it, and pissed Kakuzu off. Kisame decides to allow everything to fade into the background. And Deidara begins to feel things he doesn't like.

_Summary:_ Hidan hates Konan. Konan passively doesn't give a shit. Itachi has the best team; he is sure of it, but he wouldn't mind figuring out what they're hiding. Sasori does not know how to react. Neji is intelligent, knows it, and pissed Kakuzu off. Kisame decides to allow everything to fade into the background. And Deidara begins to feel things he doesn't like.

**~xXx~**

"Yo, bitch! When are we going to head back to the base?"

Konan felt the urge to roll her eyes at Hidan's crass words. But instead of answering him, she just continued to meditate, Sasuke sitting beside her in his own meditational trance.

Rock Lee was punching at Kankuro's puppets as the puppeteer sighed in pure annoyance and irritation. But instead of allowing the boy to bother him with his seemingly endless energy, the puppeteer just allowed him to punch it away.

"Hidan, please. There is no need to be screaming when we are in the same room."

"Shut the fuck up, bitch! I wasn't talking to you!"

The angered shouting from him made the purple haired woman quirk an eyebrow. She was pretty sure that he had, indeed, been talking to her. He had taken to call the kids by *insert adjective/noun here* bitch. She was the only one he called by a normal bitch.

"I want to get the fuck out of here! Green bitch! Get your ass over here and start packing up your shit!"

"Of course, Hidan Sensei! I shall make you proud with my undying power of youth! For Lord Jashin has given me even more through my prayers!"

With a growl of disdain, Hidan waved the kid off. Then he moved to command Kankuro to begin moving, only to have the puppeteer glare at him, threaten with cutting his head off, and return to his puppets.

When Hidan began to shout at 'the Drag Queen' for being a disrespectful little shit, she couldn't help the small smile that found its way onto her face.

It was about time Hidan got a taste of his own medicine.

**~xXx~**

"Alright. We can begin heading back to the base."

All three kids looked up at Itachi with surprise, all the while the young pup huffed in disappointment.

The Uchiha had walked up to his team after allowing them to rest up for the night, only to find them huddled together in a circle. They quickly hid whatever it was that they had been discussing, causing him to quirk an eyebrow at their uncharacteristic secretiveness. But he'd merely told them they'd be leaving rather than pushing for information he most probably would not get willingly.

"So soon, Itachi Sensei?" Gaara questioned softly.

Nodding mutely at the boys, Itachi moved so he was standing right in front of them.

"Unless..."

All three blinked at him as he didn't continue, then Kiba prompted, the most out spoken of the three, "Unless what, Sensei?"

Itachi smirked down at the curious gazes all of the boys wore. He enjoyed the fact that the three had taken to each other so well. It was unexpected, really, seeing how all three of them were so different and came from such different backgrounds.

Ibiki, the once Head of T&I. A man so scarred and mutilated by life that he seemed like the world's most violent and unforgiving person. Now, though, he was a gangly teenager with awkward social skills just trying to make friends with his two new teammates.

Kiba Inuzuka, the second of the Inuzuka clan head's children, strong and outspoken. He was once loud and brash and rather annoying. Now as a confused genin, he listened to instructions and tried to build his loyalty up with his new teammates.

And Gaara, the container of the One Tail, once aloof and understanding. Now he was somewhat socially awkward, like Ibiki, and confused about many things.

All three complemented each other very well.

"Unless you would like for some training."

"Seriously, Itachi Sensei?"

With a soft nod, the Uchiha schooled his features to not show his amusement with the awed look that took over all of their faces.

"If you would like, of course."

"Yes, please!"

When they were tired and sleepy, he would ask what it was that they were hiding.

**~xXx~**

Sasori moved the three kids he had been forced to deal with into a semi-circle in a clearing a few miles away from where they had successfully defeated the enemy shinobi they were supposed to have intercepted.

Their mission had been completed and he was proud they had been proficient. But they needed to improve before he considered them ready to be actual shinobi.

He wrapped all of their wounds up and healed them as far as he deemed necessary. He wasn't about to fix up the superficial scratches. Although the large cuts he did heal.

It was a shame that he was forced to spend so much time waiting. That time could have been used to do a thousand more useful things. But he was instead stuck waiting for the three genin to wake up so he could begin teaching them how to be competent in their fighting skills.

He looked down at all three of them with slight disdain, and sighed softly. So much time had gone by...

The first to wake up was the fat one. He sat up groggily and looked around his surroundings in complete confusion. But when his eyes fell on Sasori, he stared in complete stupefaction.

Then the pink haired one woke up with a strangled shout, sitting up immediately. She awoke frantically. But when her eyes fell on him, she too stared.

And finally the purple haired one woke up with wide eyes but no noise made. She looked around in search of the enemies she had taken care of. And when they found him, she blinked in shock.

Sasori gave himself a few seconds before he made to begin speaking. But right when he opened his mouth to give his assessment, the man found himself tackled by all three of his kids in a tight hug.

"Sasori Sensei!" They all screamed, tears clear in their voice. "We thought you were dead!"

Quite frankly... He had no idea how to react to the touches.

**~xXx~**

When they reached the town where they would cash in on their bounty, Kakuzu was ready to murder the pale eyed boy.

Shikamaru and Genma were lazy. But Neji was not.

Shikamaru and Genma were smart, but too lazy to show it. Neji was _not_.

Neji knew how to manipulate his fellow genin. Shikamaru and Genma fell to his whims without much thought and pissed Kakuzu off.

"I believe it would only be fair if we took a small break."

"Yeah! Neji's right! It's already nightfall and I'm tired!"

"Shika and Neji are right, Kakuzu Sensei. I want some sleep."

Kakuzu growled at the pale eyed bastard's smile, "We're only five minutes away from the town!"

"You said that five minutes ago!" Shikamaru and Genma groaned in a chorus, all the while Neji just continued smirking cockily at him.

"I said that the town was _ten_ minutes away, not five!"

The shout from him shut both lazy bastard's up. And Kakuzu thought that he deserved a small pat on his back for having managed to seem so angry and mean to make them shut their mouths.

"And I believe I am somewhat hungry."

"Kakuzu Sensei! I'm hungry too!"

"Give us food, you cheap jerk!"

... If there was one person Kakuzu truly hated, it was Neji.

**~xXx~**

Listening to the kids bicker had slowly become bearable. They argued so often that their shouts somehow became background noise rather than a loud and obtrusive racket.

The only times Kisame tuned in was when they began throwing punches. But that was only to growl at them to stop.

This usually ended with the kids insulting him in unison, but it made them work together, and Kisame chalked that up as a win after being stuck with the argumentative little shits for so long.

When they got to the informant, the man was left completely traumatized by the fact that two prepubescent girls could be so bloodthirsty and terrifying. It had been kind of funny to see someone else so taken aback by their insanity. Naruto had just been his annoying little shit self and tried to fight the informant just to prove how macho he was.

"So... We completed our mission, Kisame Sensei?

"That was such a boring mission! That wasn't even a mission worthy of being called a mission!"

"Shut up, Fox Breath! We have to do D-Ranks before we get to do anything better."

Kisame just allowed the hollering to fade into the background as he allowed himself on different ways to entertain himself.

Stringing all of the little shits up would be good.

Gutting them wouldn't be allowed.

Although sealing their mouths shut wouldn't count as something that would cause permanent bodily harm.

Breaking their knuckles was at the top of the list... But he was sure that the leader would not like the idea of him doing that... Bastard might even count it as something that could cause permanent bodily harm.

"Kisame Sensei, Naruto's being an idiot again!"

He just allowed Tenten's shouts, Naruto's squeals, and Temari's yells to fade into the background.

**~xXx~**

They had completed their mission. They could, essentially, go back to the Akatsuki's base and hand in the mission report to Pein and go off on another mission assigned by the annoying bastard.

... _Or_ , they could have some fun while they were still out.

When he put it to a vote, all three kids decided they wanted to stay out and continue learning fire release techniques before they were supposed to behave.

"So, my minions, what you three have to keep in mind when using explosive tags in battle is that you are not like me."

The three genin were seated cross legged on the grass. Deidara was kneeling in front of them, showing them the explosive tag he had purchased specifically for their use.

They looked at him in silence for a few seconds, before Shino raised his hand respectfully and waited for the blonde to call on him. And when Deidara nodded at him, the Aburame asked, "What do you mean, Deidara Sensei?"

Even with the girls bad influence, Shino maintained his respectfulness and kindness. Ino was kind of rude and Anko was crass beyond redemption. But Shino remained a regal air about him that allowed him to seem cool and collected at all times.

"I'll show you." The man smirked, then motioned for Anko to step forward. "Anko, you're the fastest. I would like for you to place a tag on the tree and detonate it as fast as possible."

The girl jumped up immediately without any kind of delay. Deidara knew that she wouldn't really think much of it. She was brash and didn't think too much about what she was going to do until she was doing it, much less about the consequences.

Rushing as fast as her legs would carry her, the girl ran over to the tree Deidara had pointed to, slapped the tag on the trunk, and immediately set it off as fast as she could. Just like Deidara had foreseen.

Appearing behind her to force her away from the explosion, the blonde man couldn't contain his amusement at the shrill scream that left her as bright red filled her vision and a loud boom disrupted her hearing. Then the man landed in front of Ino and Shino, who were now standing with wide eyes, placing the purple haired girl right beside them.

"First of all, you do have to watch out and make sure you don't accidentally blow your limbs off." The man raised his hand to his chest with his index finger pointing upwards, a sign he had seen used a lot by condescending teachers. (He had been dying to try it out for a while now.) "Your limbs cannot be reattached as easily as my own."

Then he smiled mischievously, "Second of all, you have to make sure what kind of tag you're using, the explosivity of it. Anko ran off without even glancing at the firepower inside of it. Something that would have cost her arm if I hadn't been around to take her away."

The girl was shaking violently.

Deidara began to feel something odd in his stomach. Something he couldn't truly name.

"You could have killed me, you blonde bastard!"

Blinking at the bite in her voice, Deidara squinted slightly. Her voice always had a bite to it. But this time, it was different... She sounded more than just angry. More than pissed off.

"You could have killed me and you're just smiling?!" Anko stomped her feet with a glare, throwing her hands up in the air. "I hate you!"

She stalked off then. Shino and Ino spared one glance at him before they ran after her. And Deidara just blinked as they left, trying to place the ache that was seemingly originating from his heart.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Cliffs and the reasons why the Akatsuki should not allow their respective charges anywhere near those things. Hidan will now be forbidden to be left alone with any of the kids. Itachi may have overlooked some simple yet dangerous details. Sasori mulls over the kids he has... And decides that there's no other way to describe the fat boy other than special. Kakuzu learns just how heartless his kids are. Kisame regrets ever having cared. And Deidara learns that he really shouldn't mess with the kids. They're dangerous.

_Summary:_ Cliffs and the reasons why the Akatsuki should not allow their respective charges anywhere near those things. Hidan will now be forbidden to be left alone with _any_ of the kids. Itachi may have overlooked some simple yet dangerous details. Sasori mulls over the kids he has... And decides that there's no other way to describe the fat boy other than _special_. Kakuzu learns just how heartless his kids are. Kisame regrets ever having cared. And Deidara learns that he _really_ shouldn't mess with the kids. They're _dangerous_.

**~xXx~**

While they were on their way back to the base, Hidan decided to make a stop in the middle of the forest for training and praying. He wanted to be able to spend some time just taking out his aggressions on the shit faced little bastards he was forced to take care of. But Konan was such a bitch she didn't even let him _spar_ with them. He was forced to just watch and bark out commands as the children fought each other. Which was almost as boring as having to sit still and watch that Kakuzu bastard count his money after he'd cut off his limbs.

... Dirty bastard... Hidan did _not_ miss him at all.

"No, you dumbass! Go left! You're leaving yourself wide open for his attacks!" He shouted at the Drag Queen as the idiot allowed Sasuke to break through his defenses, which earned him a flick of the puppeteer's middle finger.

After he got through the large puppet, the damned Uchiha smirked proudly as he landed a harsh knee against the Drag Queen's stomach. And the sight of him so proud of himself made Hidan fume.

With a grit of his teeth, Hidan couldn't hold himself back anymore. He hated all of this. He hated all three of these kids. And he wanted to see them burn.

Luckily for him, there was a cliff extremely nearby.

The devious smirk that grew on his face was not missed by either boy. But they weren't fast enough to get away from him, not even the Uchiha. He grabbed both boys and threw them over his shoulders, then ran as quickly as he could before Konan noticed what he was doing over to the edge of the cliff.

"You'll never piss me off again!"

And he threw them over the edge.

... ... ...

He despised Konan.

"Don't save them, you fucking cross eyed bitch!"

"You're supposed to keep them alive, Hidan. Not _kill them_."

"I do what I want."

"I want to try this new form of training, Hidan Sensei!"

And Rock Lee followed after his friends with a rather perfect somersault, only to land on the large sheet of paper created by Konan to stop the kids' descent.

**~xXx~**

Training with his team was rather enjoyable. The boys all listened to his instruction and didn't really fight him on the lessons too much. And they all learned quickly enough, which meant that they already knew a rather useful amount of jutsu even though they hadn't been together for more than a month.

Right now, Itachi was sitting under the shade of a tree as his team sparred. Kiba and Akamaru were working together with Ibiki to try and defeat Gaara, all the while the boy from the Sand did his best to not harm his teammates in any way. It was a rather useful exercise. It taught Ibiki teamwork, Kiba and Akamaru were allowed to see that they could trust more than just each other, and Gaara was shown just how much he could give before he harmed someone in a battle.

An exercise in control and teamwork. And precision too, seeing how Ibiki, Kiba, and Akamaru had to be precise about their attacks if they wanted to get through Gaara's defenses.

His team was, without a doubt, the best he could have been given. Even though it would have been nice to have Sasuke on his team to teach him properly, he could work with these three. And he could make sure that they were the best team of the ninja taken by the Akatsuki, which would make him win the bet formed by Kisame and Deidara.

A small smile made its way onto the Uchiha's face as he thought about winning the grand prize that would be given by the leader at the end of this whole plan.

But that was quickly dashed away when he suddenly heard twin shouts of terror, one bark of fear, and one last scream of surprise.

When Itachi turned to look where his team had been training, he found a giant sand barrier in the spot that Ibiki, Akamaru, and Kiba had once stood. When he looked behind it, he found Gaara looking up at the sky with wide eyes. And when he followed his gaze up, he found the three missing members of his team flying across the sky and off of the cliff they had been standing near.

In retrospect, training near such a high drop may not have been a good idea.

**~xXx~**

After an awkward period of having to push the kids' affection away, Sasori managed to get them to begin practicing their jutsu and showing him just how truly capable they were. And after that, he was able to help them come up with an attack formation that used their strengths in the most efficient way possible while also covering up each other's weaknesses.

The Hyuga girl was amazing. She moved so fluidly that it was akin to seeing physical poetry in motion. And those _eyes_. She would make a perfect puppet.

The Haruno girl was a diamond in the rough. But he knew he could make her shine by giving her the right amount of pressure.

And the Akimichi boy... Well, he was... _Special_. Raw power wasn't Sasori's preferred type. Even though he could see the effectiveness in it. Although Chouji didn't seem to have the best control of his body when it came to his attacks.

"Chouji!"

"Not again!"

Sasori sighed as both girls took off running towards the edge of the cliff. And Chouji merely shouted up at them, telling them he was okay but it would be nice to get some help.

"We should really leave this place, Sasori Sensei." Sakura huffed as she helped Hinata pull Chouji up. "He's going to keep falling."

Sasori narrowed her eyes at her, frowning deeply. "We will stay here until he learns to avoid the edge. Now try the joint attack again."

All three genin fell into the proper formation for the attack. And Sasori nodded in slight pride when both girls went through their parts almost perfectly. Although when Chouji's part came in, he rolled off the edge of the cliff once more, much to the dismay of his teammates.

Sasori sighed once more.

The fat boy was _special_.

**~xXx~**

It was quiet... _Too quiet_.

"Stop."

"I didn't mean to push him off the cliff. I swear. But I also wasn't too keen on pulling him back up either."

Kakuzu turned to look at the Hyuga with wide eyes. "You did _what_?!"

The pale eyed boy simply rolled his eyes before jutting his thumb behind him, where they passed a cliff some twenty minutes ago. "Genma was being stupid. So I pushed him. The idiot didn't save himself and fell."

He had just lost a kid. And it had taken him _twenty minutes_ to figure it out.

With a headache beginning to form, Kakuzu frowned deeply, "And you didn't try to save him?"

Shikamaru now sighed and shrugged, "I did... But my arms didn't reach and you wanted to keep moving... So we just left him behind."

"You two..." Kakuzu growled, then shook his head, "We're going back for him.

A beat of silence passed between them in which Neji and Shikamaru looked at each other. Then they looked back at Kakuzu and gave twin shrugs. "We don't _have_ to."

**~xXx~**

"Tenten... Temari..."

Kisame's pounding headache was back. And the young girls in front of him were just smiling back at him with the largest shit eating grins he had ever seen in his life. They were even bigger than Hidan's own obnoxious one.

"What have you done?"

They had been traveling back to the Akatsuki's base. The terrain they found themselves going through was pretty mountainous with cliffs and much greenery. The drops ranged from steep to barely any. But Kisame hadn't thought twice about taking this shortcut back after he had been told about it by their informant. For the faster they got to the base, the faster he could drop the little bastards off with Pein and never have to look at them again.

It seemed that wanting speed and efficiency over safety had been the wrong thing to want. He couldn't see Naruto anywhere near.

"Hey, you should be happy, Kisame Sensei. We worked _together_ to shove him off that cliff." Temari crossed her arms over her chest with a proud smirk, all the while Tenten nodded beside her.

"It wasn't easy you know. That kid can scrap."

"Go back for him. _Now_."

Both girls glared at their teacher for a moment before stomping off and recovering the blonde jinchuriki they had almost killed. And when they all came back to Kisame, the man regretted having sent them after him.

The kid had quite the pair of lungs in him... And he wasn't all too happy with almost having died because of his teammates.

**~xXx~**

He couldn't sleep. No matter how much he tried to get some rest, he couldn't force his mind to relax.

The children's faces of pure disappointment and anger continued to show up in his mind whenever he closed his eyes. And for some reason beyond him, he could not push those faces away and ignore them.

Could it be that he actually... No! He was Deidara! And he cared about no one but himself! And his art, of course.

With a sigh, the blonde man got up from his bed roll and walked out of his tent to look over their campsite. Night had settled peacefully over them and now they were supposed to be sleeping before continuing towards their destination.

As he stepped outside, he suddenly felt a prick of _something_ against his neck. Which was odd. Especially when his hands and feet began to feel numb. But he didn't have much time to think about it before he'd fallen unconscious.

~/~

When Deidara next woke up, he made the grave mistake of looking down. He did not find ground beneath his feet. Instead he found giant spikes jutting out of a raging ocean.

"Ah! What the hell!?"

He immediately tried to reach up and grab onto whatever it was that he was hanging from, but his hands weren't working. His coat dug into him, seeing how it was being used to hold him up. And he could feel the lack of oxygen steadily affecting his brain.

"You regret having scared us, Deidara Sensei?"

That voice...

Deidara looked up to find his three kids smirking down at him. In Ino's hand, the blonde twirled a senbon with a colored tip.

Poisoned.

"Did you kids poison me?!"

"Learn a less, old man!" Ino shouted back, then smiled sweetly. "You're going to hang there until you've learned your lesson, kay?"

And before Deidara could shout at them to pull him the hell up, all three genin had walked away.


End file.
